Manhattan

Manhattan: 1979 Dramedy?
Starring Woody Allen, Diane Keaton, Meryl Streep, Mariel Hemingway. Written and directed by Woody Allen.


Marc Horton plot synopsis: Following his divorce from Streep, Woody the writer has a bunch of affairs - all irritatingly boring - including one with a "woman" who is still in high school (Hemingway). I mean, in the final scene, Hemingway's character actually says she just turned 18: "I'm finally legal."

The hype: Hailed for its gorgeous B&W cinematography of land the Indians sold to the Dutch for a few guilders worth of crap, Manhattan is also hailed for its use of Gershwin music as its musical bed. Putting the two together in this film made me wonder whether the better way to go would be to carve my eyes out with broken bottles or fill my ears with muriatic acid, because one day I'd like to listen to Gershwin again without having to think about this cinematrocity.

Videohound's Golden Movie Retriever 2001 calls the movie a "scathingly serious and comic view of modern relationships in urban America and of the modern intellectual neuroses." I'd bet $10 that "review" was ripped directly from the movie's VCR tape box that doubtlessly sat, unwatched, on the shelf of the local Crazy Mike's Video from 1979 through 1984, until Beta was officially declared dead and all the tapes were landfilled.

The Fat Man's review includes the understatement: "This is a variation on a familiar theme."

Politically Incorrect Movie Review: At what point do we start classifying Woody Allen's oeuvre as kiddy porn?

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid: Western Comedy Buddy Pic directed by George Roy Hill, starring Paul Newman, Robert Redford, Katherine Ross, 1969.



Marc Horton plot synopsis: Outlaws team up to rob a train, things go sour, they end up in Bolivia. But not before riding "the girl" around on the handlebars of a bicycle. Spend a lot of time getting chased by Pinkerton men. They get shot at a lot. They famously jump off a cliff. And they go out in a blaze of glory.

The hype: Teaming up with superstar Newman made a star out of Redford. Nominated for a bagful of Oscars, including Director and Picture. Won for Cinematrography and Song (Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head).

The reality: Starting from the time Ross gets paraded around on the handlebars and that stupid song played, I was so bored I kept looking at the clock, hoping it would end.

Politically Incorrect Movie Review: Acid Rain Keeps Falling In My Eyes.

Hunchback of Notre Dame (1939)

Hunchback of Notre Dame (1939): Historical Romance, Charles Laughton, Maureen O'Hara.



The Marc Horton plot synopsis: Asswipe falls in love with red-haired, green-eyed Irish-American "gypsy." Kills rival suitor. Inexplicably blames murder on gypsy. Inquisition-type court delivers "witch" verdict. Deformed bell-ringer hides gypsy in Notre Dame Cathedral. State over-rides Church's Sanctuary and vows to burn her, or hang her, or give her a stern scolding or something.

The Hype: Hugo wrote Notre-Dame de Paris as a clarion call to restore the cathedral, which had fallen into a state of disrepair after several centuries. There's a silent movie version, but this Hollywood talkie of Victor Hugo's door-stopper won Laughton praise for his portrayal of Quasimodo, the bell-ringer who tries to save O'Hara the gypsy.

The Reality: Aside from Laughton, everybody in this movie sounds like they dropped in from 20th-century Stockton rather than 15th-century Paris. Maureen O'Hara as a gypsy? I half-expected Keanu Reeves (or maybe his father) to pop up as a street urchin. The biggest travesty, however, is the happy ending. Mon dieu.

The Politically Incorrect Movie Review: The only people needing Sanctuary! are the movie-viewers who get sucked into watching Hollywood take a 20th-century hatchet to a 19th-century classic.

Amityville Horror (1979)

Amityville Horror (1979): Horror, starring James Brolin, Margot Kidder.



The Marc Horton plot synopsis: Young couple buys drafty old house that had been the scene of a mass murder. Husband starts acting a little kooky. Priest and nun make visits, suffer convulsions. Couple and their friends make a late-night visit to the library to get to the bottom of things. etc.

The hype: Hyped as a true story but pretty much all of it has been debunked or refuted over the years, except for the fact that the house was the site where some discontented kid shot his parents and siblings. Took in $86 million at the box office.

The reality: Brolin and Kidder aren't going to win any Academy Awards for their acting at the best of time, but Rod Steiger did, for "In the Heat of the Night". Maybe it was the director's fault.

Roger Ebert called it, "dreary and terminally depressing." That sounds more like an Ingmar Bergman film. This is just derivative (mostly of The Exorcist) and dull.

The Political Incorrect Movie Review: If you thought this was scary in 1979, you were probably watching too much Carol Burnett Show.